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Baby Dust From Heaven

By C.t.

January 24th, 2012 at 9:52 pm

The following essay was one of the winning entries from our contest in April. The writer had been eligible to win the Grand Prize of a free Micro-IVF cycle in September. She has given us permission to reprint it here. In the interim, she conceived and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Incredibly, the baby’s actual due date was today…the anniversary of her mother’s death. When you read this essay, that fact will make the hair on your neck stand up.

I always had a very special mother/daughter relationship with my mom. She wasn’t just my mom, but my best friend. She was a very unique and special woman to a lot of people. Imagine everything a mother should be and that was her. She was everybody’s favorite aunt and she babysat for everybody’s kids in the family and the neighborhood. All my friends wanted to hang out at my house because she was so much fun.

She loved all things Disney, insanely decorated the entire house for every holiday, planned the most amazing parties, and always had a smile for everyone and a twinkle in her eye. She was the kind of woman who stayed up all night in the hospital when anyone she knew had their babies and then went into their homes before they were released and cleaned their house, set up the bassinet and baby supplies, and left them a meal for their first night home. She loved her life. As I got older, I started to look at her not just as a mom or a friend but also as a role model of the type of wife and mother I wanted to be.

One of her many dreams was for me to get married and have children so she could be a grandma. As a little girl, I always wanted to be a bride and mommy. It always amazed me that my mother had that same kind of passion and that she wished that for me. I guess wishing those amazing dreams for your children is something you can’t really understand until you’re a mom.

I was only nineteen when my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a blood/bone cancer, and had just begun my freshmen year of college. I decided to drop out of school and move back so that I could be home to take care of my mother. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being there for her every need. She always put my needs before hers. She was always there for me. It was my turn to help her now.

As I watched my mom slowly lose her 4 year battle, I made the wrong decision to marry, as planning my wedding seemed to give her something to live for. Unfortunately, she never made it to the wedding and passed away seven weeks earlier. In my grief, I kept going through with everything knowing that this wedding was something my mother always wanted for me and I knew she would be there in spirit making sure every detail was just the way she always dreamed it would be.

It wasn’t until months later when trying to conceive unsuccessfully with an unsupportive man that I realized I made a mistake. I later learned that he fathered a child with someone else, and right then the seed was planted that maybe there was something wrong with me… and it has haunted me ever since.

A few years later I was lucky to find and marry my soul mate, a man with a son of his own who is now five. I love and care for him as if he were my own and wish he lived with us full time. Nine months into our marriage we decided to start trying to have a baby. Still in the back of my mind was the idea that something may be wrong, but I went into baby-making with him hopeful… since he too had already fathered a child easily.

Of course I was looking for all of those signs like every woman does when they’re trying to conceive and I had none but I still thought maybe it was just too early and then… I got my period. What a bummer, but there was always next month. Right? So we kept trying month after month with negative results and wacky cycles and we finally decided to meet with my OBGYN.

After several tests it came up that I have PCOS. After talking with each other and the doctor we decide to start on our first cycle of Clomid. Again, I get psyched because now at this point I am thinking this has to work, my husband already has a kid so he has to be fertile and now I know I have PCOS which causes me not to ovulate and this medicine is going to help that so we are in.

So, we’re getting excited, everything is going smoothly I was having some early pregnancy signs and then…once again I get my period and learn what I thought were early pregnancy signs were just symptoms from the medicine. We currently are in our second month of Clomid and as it turns out my results this month are negative and the medicine didn’t even work. At this point we are bummed, we thought the medicine was supposed to help me ovulate and its not even working and who knows, maybe I will get it next week or the week after but without going bankrupt from ovulating strips how else am I supposed to figure out when I am ovulating?

At what point do we decide to move on to a fertility doctor? What kind of expenses is this going to become? We are already struggling with money; we live in a two bedroom apartment and pay a mortgage payment in child support. How we can afford infertility treatments?

My stepson asks when he is going to have a sister or a brother. He prays to God every night to send him a baby sister or brother and he thinks I can’t have a baby because I am not a mommy. This kills me. I cannot wait until the day comes when I can give him the exciting news that he is going to be a big brother and I will be the mommy.

It is hard for me every day of my life not having my mom, but it is especially hard now going through the ups and downs of infertility. So many times I want to pick up a phone and just call knowing she would support whatever it was that I had to say or just hug me and tell me everything will be okay. There’s something about a mother’s hug that just gives you that much more support. I just want that mother/child bond back in my life and the only way it can happen for me is having my own child to love and care for the way my mother taught me to.

Winning a free IVF cycle would make both my …and my mom’s… dream come true. And if it’s divinely possible to do so, I have no doubt that my mom will be looking over that Petri dish and guiding the doctor’s hand when the time comes.

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Do you believe that those who have passed away influence anything down here? Does this story make you believe?

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