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Infertility and Twisted Thoughts

By Tracey Minella

June 7th, 2013 at 9:52 pm


image courtesy of freedigital

Do you ever wonder if other infertile women think the way you do? I’m talking about those really crazy, twisted thoughts we sometimes feel. The ones we don’t speak out loud.

You know the ones.

The thoughts that would prompt a knowing nod (or howls of laughter) from other infertiles…and condemnation from the rest of society. 

On your lowest days, could you relate to any of these scenarios (tongue-in-cheek, of course!):

·         Tell me you haven’t imagined peeling the stick figure families off those minivans? Would you spare the pets or just leave the couple standing alone?

·         Do you always call out to the mother when you see a kid’s “binky” go missing in a public place? Or do you sometimes let the inattentive mom learn a lesson?

·         Ever bought a sort of ugly baby outfit…or a Diaper genie… for a baby or shower gift because the thought of 235+ dirty diapers crammed into the nursery corner would bring you a shred of comfort during an unbearably painful event?

·         Have you ever been in such a bad mood that, instead of mustering a smile, you actually kind of “stared down” a baby when its mom wasn’t looking…and it cried? And you didn’t feel guilty?

·         Ever want to (or actually) “unfriend” someone on Facebook for posting too many pregnancy updates, maternity photos, or baby pictures?

If you related to any of the above scenarios…or have your own list…it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Occasional jealous or angry thoughts are common when you’re infertile.

But if the ache of empty arms or the depression and frustration of infertility is significantly interfering with your ability to get through your daily responsibilities, you may need a little help coping. Consider an infertility support group led by peers or professionals.

Anyone interested in Long Island IVF’s professionally-run support groups and counseling sessions should contact Bina Benisch, M.S., R.N. at Bina counsels both women and men in separate support groups as they navigate their infertility journeys. All are welcome to join, even if you are not yet a Long Island IVF patient. You can read more about Long Island IVF’s Mind-Body Program and counseling services here.

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Did you ever think any of the above thoughts? Or do you have others to share? Have you tried Bina’s support groups, and if so, what did you think?

Photo Credit: Stuart Miles and


7 Responses to 'Infertility and Twisted Thoughts'

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  1. good, honest advise to dealing with infertility. support groups only help if you are allowed to say the truth about being infertile as a couple. Do you go to the support groups in secrecy then? and what about your “allegiance” to your spouse’s demand of keeping everything secret?


    7 Jun 13 at 10:46 pm

  2. There’s no right answer for all people. I personally feel that good can come from couples going to support groups together, as well as separately. When you are just with other women (or he’s with other guys), you can be open in a different way than you’d be in a couples’ group. Yet in a couples’ group, you actually see you’re not alone and get a couple’s perspective on coping. Many couples have one partner that wants to be secretive longer than the other one. They are confidential groups and the odds of you knowing others is slim. And you are right about them only helping if you can be open and honest. You often hear that if a couple needs counseling and one won’t go, that the other should go alone, but that’s a very personal choice. If you can’t go to counseling, infertility blogs offer a chance to vent more privately than social media and get support from those who walked…or are still walking…in your shoes.There is no sugar-coating how difficult infertility is on each partner and on the union. Find support that you are comfortable with. It’s out here. And its right here. <3


    20 Jun 13 at 12:55 pm

  3. the issue is the infertile partner is secretive and wants it that way. How does one cope? Blogs are helpful and have certainly made an impact. However, since humans are social animals, at some point a human touch is needed to cope with the same issues. And the “secretive” nature creates it own set of issues over and above the infertility issues already being dealt with. Thanks for your kind words. we persevere and keep going.


    21 Jun 13 at 11:42 pm

  4. You make a very good point when you say “the ‘secretive’ nature creates its own set of issues over and above the infertility issues.” And, as Tracey points out, there is no one answer that fits all. Would the partner also be averse to a one on one session either as a couple or for you? Or even over the phone? Struggling with infertility can cause one to feel so very isolated and alone. You are quite right to look at the deeper issues that arise. Good luck with your perseverance, and in the meanwhile, blogs and online support groups provide some support, as well as meditative CD’s. Circle and Bloom has very good fertility meditations.

    Bina Benisch

    25 Jun 13 at 2:32 pm

  5. The partner wants complete secrecy. And I contend that there is “one size that fits all, relatively speaking”. Its called truth and acceptance. One does not necessarily need to wear the truth on their forehead but one must find people, resources, help, support where they can share their struggles openly. Be it a family member, a close friend, a professional or otherwise. Instead of feeling guilty about the privacy your loved one demands, it is important to accept the truth and get the help and support for yourself. And only by sharing the truth with someone trusted, can one move forward healthily. Loneliness is the worst disease and secrecy is even worse because there is no plan for any help or support when living in secrecy.


    25 Jun 13 at 11:15 pm

  6. I’m not a professional, but my husband and I did suffer many years of infertility and slowly made the move from wanting to be secretive to “coming out”. My husband would have been open sooner than I was ready to be. For us, to be fair, we each had one close friend that we confided in. Once we realized how important that support was, it made it easier in time to include more people, and then ultimately everyone. Its such a personal thing, and I know its hard, but I really don’t feel its fair for one partner to block the other from seeking any measure of support. Both partners’ feelings need to be considered when deciding how to handle the secrecy or not issue. He is comfortable, but you are hurting. It sounds like part of this may be that he has not “accepted the truth” and is in denial about your infertility, so he doesn’t want anyone to know because he doesn’t believe it himself yet, or maybe if you have male infertility he feels embarrassed. A professional could help you help both you and him through this.Your last sentence is a cry for help and if you don’t get it, I worry that you are going to resent your partner over time. You need to vent and you deserve support.


    27 Jun 13 at 6:59 am

  7. Thanks Tracey for your kind words. The issue is more twisted than laid out here. Infertility is NOT the only secret. The medical condition which caused the infertility also has to be kept secret. She had surgery but I can’t tell anyone about it, I have to keep silent. Due to the surgery and the ongoing medical treatment, the chores increase and providing her care also increases. As a caregiver, how do you get help and support without sharing the truth with someone? There is no close family around either. Everything is about her and her issues. I thought in a marriage, issues were about “we”.


    27 Jun 13 at 8:57 am

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