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Archive for the ‘jealousy and infertility’ tag

Confessions of an IVF Mom: I’m Jealous of Your Infertility

By Tracey Minella

July 16th, 2014 at 6:14 pm

 

image courtesy of arztsamui/freedigitalphotos.net


I am an IVF mom. When I was a younger infertile woman, I was jealous of pregnant women and mothers. They were in my face, everywhere I turned (or at least it felt that way). I didn’t begrudge them what they had. I just wanted a baby, too. More than air. Just like you do now.

Today, it’s worse. You still encounter the usual public displays of parenthood like people breastfeeding, playing in the park, or crowds at the school bus stop. But now there is the assault from social media, too. You can’t even hide in your own home. Newsfeeds stream with pregnancy sonogram photos, gender-revealing parties, birth announcements, and daily kiddie updates on Facebook ad nauseam.

Infertile people are sick of waiting for their turn. Sick of having to endure treatments. Sick of having their happiness and their lives put on hold. Infertile people are tired of being poked and prodded, of getting their hopes up and getting let down, of setbacks outnumbering wins, of months turning into years.

How could I be jealous of your infertility, you wonder? Surely I couldn’t possibly remember how it felt to have to hope every month that this would finally be the month I’d find out I was pregnant?

Ah, yes. That’s exactly what I remember. And that is where the twinge of jealousy lies… in the hope each month of conceiving. A hope that is long gone from my life, but that still exists in yours.

I spent many years in your agony, hoping. Hoping each month to become pregnant, to have a baby, to be a class mom. Hoping for a sonogram photo that measured a baby instead of an empty uterine lining. Hoping for a chance to scan a baby registry and set up the nursery I dared to dream of.

I imagined taxiing kids to activities all afternoon, running the PTA, hosting sleepovers, being a scout leader, a team coach, sending out those cute photo holiday cards. I dreamed that Disney would actually become the happiest place on Earth.

Years of that hope and sacrifice eventually turned into two dreams come true. And I am thankful for every single minute of what has surprisingly gone by far too fast. I wouldn’t change a thing except slow it down if I could.

An incident yesterday ignited this jealousy I now have of you.  I dropped my firstborn IVF miracle off at a two-week college residential program in NYC and a part of my heart broke on the spot. She will be home in two weeks and I vow to savor every minute of the next two years before she graduates high school and moves on. But where did the time go? I remember the day she was transferred. I remember all the details of getting my IVF pregnancy test results like it was yesterday.

I started to think back on what I went through to have her…on what you are possibly going through now. The injections and ultrasounds. The auto-pilot nature of the experience. The significance of a pregnancy test. The feeling of hope about creating a baby and all the promise of raising that new life. All the awesome, indescribable moments and years of joy, love, and absolute wonder ahead of those still on the journey.

And I kind of miss it. Part of me wants to go back to the beginning and live it all again. To go back to when all I had was that hope. Right before the dream came true. I don’t expect you to understand this now, but you may someday.

So, be thankful for the hope that burns in your heart that this… yes, this… could be the month you conceive your baby and the life you’ve dreamed of begins. Believe it or not, that’s an enviable place to be.

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For those on their journey: Did you ever think someone would envy your position? What is the most frustrating part of the waiting?

For those who are parents after infertility: Do you ever feel like this or think you may in the future?

 

Photo credit: freedigital photos.net

 

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Infertility and Twisted Thoughts

By Tracey Minella

June 7th, 2013 at 9:52 pm

 

image courtesy of freedigital photos.net

Do you ever wonder if other infertile women think the way you do? I’m talking about those really crazy, twisted thoughts we sometimes feel. The ones we don’t speak out loud.

You know the ones.

The thoughts that would prompt a knowing nod (or howls of laughter) from other infertiles…and condemnation from the rest of society. 

On your lowest days, could you relate to any of these scenarios (tongue-in-cheek, of course!):

·         Tell me you haven’t imagined peeling the stick figure families off those minivans? Would you spare the pets or just leave the couple standing alone?

·         Do you always call out to the mother when you see a kid’s “binky” go missing in a public place? Or do you sometimes let the inattentive mom learn a lesson?

·         Ever bought a sort of ugly baby outfit…or a Diaper genie… for a baby or shower gift because the thought of 235+ dirty diapers crammed into the nursery corner would bring you a shred of comfort during an unbearably painful event?

·         Have you ever been in such a bad mood that, instead of mustering a smile, you actually kind of “stared down” a baby when its mom wasn’t looking…and it cried? And you didn’t feel guilty?

·         Ever want to (or actually) “unfriend” someone on Facebook for posting too many pregnancy updates, maternity photos, or baby pictures?

If you related to any of the above scenarios…or have your own list…it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Occasional jealous or angry thoughts are common when you’re infertile.

But if the ache of empty arms or the depression and frustration of infertility is significantly interfering with your ability to get through your daily responsibilities, you may need a little help coping. Consider an infertility support group led by peers or professionals.

Anyone interested in Long Island IVF’s professionally-run support groups and counseling sessions should contact Bina Benisch, M.S., R.N. at binabenisch@gmail.com. Bina counsels both women and men in separate support groups as they navigate their infertility journeys. All are welcome to join, even if you are not yet a Long Island IVF patient. You can read more about Long Island IVF’s Mind-Body Program and counseling services here. http://bit.ly/16Kn5go

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Did you ever think any of the above thoughts? Or do you have others to share? Have you tried Bina’s support groups, and if so, what did you think?

Photo Credit: Stuart Miles and http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Younger_Women_g57-Young_Girl_Thinking_p54803.html

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